It is easier for us to make a decision to break the romantic, as it seemed to us, relations if we are faced with verbal or even more physical violence. However, dysfunctional signals can be less noticeable, and then we often prefer to ignore them.
Leave or stay? Is there enough reason for this? Having lived with a partner for several years, we do not always realize that our relationship has ceased to bring joy and turned into a routine. How to recognize signals that your relationship may end soon?
The ability to apologize
“An apology primarily implies the ability to rise above his ego,” the clinical psychologist Goal Sadi is sure. – It should not always correlate with the one who is currently right from your point of view, is right. The ability to apologize is the ability to recognize the feelings of a partner and treat them carefully “.
Of course, no one expects false remorse, but a persistent reluctance to notice that a loved one needs support, leads a relationship to a dead end. “It is very difficult for me that it hurts you. I did not want this (wanted), ”these simple words can restore both the spiritual balance of both, showing that our feelings are not indifferent to the partner.
At the same time, the Jungian analyst Lev Hegai believes that in our culture it is important to reinforce a further conversation by heart. “In Western Europe, a legal culture has been established, within the framework of which the bringing of official apologies is an important element in resolving disputes,” he says. – In Russia, chronic disbelief in the effectiveness of the law has led to the fact that it is more important to “understand the concepts”. A sincere conversation gives us the main thing – a sense of truth of relations “.
Attitude to the conflict
The strength and durability of relations are checked during the periods of inevitably arising contradictions. How your partner behaves at these moments? Does he prefer a demonstrative silence to an open dialogue? Does he allow himself “passive aggression”: “By the way, n. I torn with my friend, because she did not devote enough time to him, “” You will regret it if you do not do it. “.
“If you feel that you have to constantly control yourself to maintain peace in relations, this is an occasion to seriously think: are you ready for this? – reminds Goal Sadi. – The very desire of the partner “teach a lesson” or “punish” is a sufficient basis, so as not to continue relations ”.
Leo Hegai notes that completely rivalry and aggression in marriage are fatal. The desire to stay in the “Comfort zone” is always unrealistic, and the tension will occur again and again. “Each of the partners passes its own development process, an important part of which is an expression of their individuality,” says Hegai. – And since significant relations occupy most of the soul, a person will “train” in self -affirmation will be primarily on loved ones.
And here the ability of partners to rise above themselves, to speak heart to heart, that is, take steps towards rapprochement. However, in essence, the need for individuals can also take different neurotic forms: from the “confluence complex”, that is, “stuck” in relations in which you can’t stay more, but there is no way to break them, to attempts to constantly prove something to the partner, win or humiliate it “*.
Feeling of isolation
The relationship should have time to meet each of the partners with their close circle alone. This is an absolutely healthy desire. However, due to your refusal of half, spending time both with his (her) and your friends and relatives you may feel in painful isolation. “Relations cannot develop in vacuum,” the family therapist Steven Stosna recalls. – In addition, it is always useful to hear the opinion of our lovers of those to whom we trust. This will give our look at the partner a certain balance “. In a number of collectivist cultures, the family becomes a kind of outpost of the relationship of a young couple, which can also interfere with the formation of their own view of a partner.
Therefore, it is better that the circle of people whose opinions are not indifferent to us and with whom we could consult is small: no more than a few people. In addition, such non -wrapping will help in the event of disagreements with a partner to share his experiences, to speak the problem and look at the situation from a new corner. “But for those to whom you trust, a certain idea has developed about your partner, they should be familiar with your couple and observe the dynamics of relations not only from your words, but also based on their observations,” says Goal Sadi. – cutting you off from his circle, the partner deprives you of you and important information accompanying about him: who is his close people, how he manifests itself in communicating with them.
Meanwhile, it is these of your
observations that become (or do not become) symbolic for him by the guarantee. Avoiding, even subconsciously, constructing a common circle, the partner indirectly hints that he is not ready for the construction of your relationship. ”.
The rules are constantly changing
If the common goal changes endlessly, then all efforts to achieve it are useless. “A classic example that consultants often face in practice: he does not see the need for a marriage. True, if children appear, then he will definitely create a family. However, he is not yet very ready for children. It turns out the formula a = b = s, where “a” is relations, “b” – marriage, “c” – children. “A” in this formula is not equal to “C”. This is a violation of a simple logical law. It turns out that a partner, focused on marriage and children, is losing time for a meaningless decision of this no solution to the formula, ”said Good Sadi.
Pigmalion complex
Leo Hegai admits that from his partner we are always unconsciously, and sometimes consciously expecting the correspondence of his projection, which for a man can take shape from the children’s image of the mother, the experience of previous relationships and collective representations – what a woman should be. Similarly, a woman presses her projections on a man. “In the case of the Union of two more spiritually developed partners, these projections are recognized in time and adhere to or successfully coincide with what the partner himself wants to become,” hegay notes.
